wish me luck!

So I'm sitting in my boyfriends kitchen, taking a break from practicing, even though I'm listening to recordings and I check my e-mail. My sweet friend Caroline sent me a little encouraging message to wish me luck. She always remembers my auditions and always sends me these little messages. So, I started to cry. ot because she made me sad but because of all the support I have and because I am a teensy bit stressed out. I'm just praying Mark doesn't come home in the next five minutes because I don't want to have to explain why I cry. I don't even know. I'm a woman? Does that make sense? bah.
Man, I just hope I get his job.
This has been a crazy few days. Seeing as many people as possible while still trying to get practicing done and NOT fucking around too much.
We are having a nice, relaxing pre-celebratory dinner that was my choice. (My boyfriend has been spoiling me today)SCALLOPS!! Yummy scallops cooked in what I hope will be a stick of butter with some lemon and then fresh veggies and a juicey cantaloupe. Yes. That was what I wanted.
We ran into our former dick-boss at the liquor store. We figured it would happen but I held out my hopes that we could slip in and out without seeing him. He actually lookes pretty good for all the wine he pours into himself.
Anyway.
I've got to get back to practicing. Send good vibes my way 11am EST

Its bloody hot

So, yesterday I FINALLY got my apt. complex to agree that my a/c was broken. I knwo they don't want to pay but, fuck, it was 85 in here. I drove out to my friends house that was 45 minutes away and since it was 104 out, the a/c in the car wasn't really helping. When I got home, at 5, the repair guys were here and had shut OFF the a/c. It was 93 in my apartment. 93. Let me say i again. 93. In my apartment. I figured I had a few options, since the temp seemed to be dropping only about 1 degree an hour. I could A) take a cold shower, sleep nekkid with a fan on me or B) get pissed and pass out so that I wouldn't even NOTICE the heat. I did a combo. When I got up this morning, it didn't really seem that cold. I turned the thermostat up to 80 since that was the temp inside the apartment when I left and when I got home at 7, it was 90 in here. 90. Temp in Austin, Texas at 3pm:105. Temp in my apt at 7pm:90. I refuse to look at the temp right now because it doesn't matter after a while. Its just fucking hot. I called the emergency line for my apt. complex and the guy called me back and said that the City of austin had purposly shut down the entire city's condensors to save energy and that they do it once a month every month during the Summer. Seriously?!And they picked TODAY. One of the hottest days of the year. I was told to shut my A/C off for "and hour or two" and let everything reset and the guy would be by in the morning. Oh. My. God. Its fucking hot in here. There's not much of a breeze outside and I think the pets have heat-stroke. So. Now its 91 in here andI still have another 30 minutes to wait before I restart my system.
I was looking forward to my trip up North before but as of right now, I can't wait to get up there.
Fucking 91 degrees in my apartment at 9:29pm.

auditioning on drugs

I've got yet another audition coming up. I am convinced this one will be different. Instead of going this one alone and assuming I can do it and I have all the knowledge, I enlisted the help of a friend and the experience of one of my former teachers. Also, I've decided to take a beta-blocker. I'm not real proud or excited about this but its one I've been mulling over for about a year now. ITs widely known that musicians suffer from performance anxiety and its also known that most of those on the audition circuit use these little magic pills. While I feel prepared for an audition, I always get some sort of nervousness and,well, I'm tired of that. How can I compete with people that are taking these things?! So, I decided to take one for my upcoming audition. I really want this job.
I've giving up the chance to go tubing tomorrow so that I can practice. I'm totally lame. Iknow. But, like I said, I want this job!

a little office rant

I got an offer to play a big part in an upcoming festival and didn't want to turn it down but needed to check in with my coworker to make sure he was going to be in the shop two specific days. He had said he wasn't taking vacation until August but he takes random days. He said that he would be in Iowa. WTF? When did this happen. He was asked to fill in for a last minute cancellation at a festival. Lucky guy! BUT, that meant that there would only be the office manager and the owner ost of the time. I went in today to work out my schedule to make sure it would work and also to schedule how many days my boss would want me to be working. Not only did he NOT want to talk but when I asked if he would need me to be filling in he said no. O. K. I understand that SUmmer is slow but I fail to see how the shop will function without at least ONE other person. Since he didn't seem keen on having me there more than I am, I guess that means I get a little R and R that I was craving last night. Because I am the way I am, I am also going to refuse to "come in" at the drop of a hat. If I don't get a week's notice, I won;t go in. I'm going to especially enjoy this when the office manager takes her vacation and it will be simply my boss by himself at the shop. I'm curious if he'll realise. I could be more of a bitch and flat out refuse to do ANY extra work since I was told my services weren't needed beyond what I already do but... OK, honestly that's what I feel like doing. This is the second time I have offered to work a little more and, yeah, part of it is that I'll make more per month but its also helping my bos out. And that's what he said he hired me for. Oh well. I kinda feel like getting a second job but don't know if I could handle that. It would also only be for two days a week and I don't know if anyone would hire me for just two or three days. Bah! Fuck it. I'll enjoy my Summer. I always complained that I never got to do summer-type things when I was living in NY. Now I can. And during the week! I'm still annoyed...
I'm feeling really unmotivated to do anything right now but am already bored after one day off. I took today off to wind down and rest and I certainly did that. I spent most of the day on the porch reading. I promised myself that on Thursday I would get my butt down to the running trail and back in front of the music stand. I've got loads of music to learn and in a very short amount of time.

audition confusion

Had an audition with the San Antonio Symphony today. I played well. Really well. And even received a compliment from my friend that had never heard me play. But I didn't make it to the second round. I honestly couldn't believe it. I played so well! I talked to my friend afterwards and he thought for sure I would have made it. He said there wasn't anything he could think of that they wouldn't have liked. Ah me. Goes to show you you never know.
So now I turn my sights to Syracuse. I have a month to prepare (and party) and I'm already ahead since most of the music I worked on today will be on that same audition. I'm looking forward to working on the things we talked about. I have loads to do between now and then because I am playing in two small festivals as well as switching to working full time! I'm really excited about that because I am looking to buy a new (er) car and need money inthe bank. For car or a move! The full-time work will only last until I go to NY. However, when I get back I'll be taking over my friends business for a few weeks while she is on vacation so I'll still be busy. I'm just hoping I get a litle R and R here in Austin and not just up in NY.
So, for the most part that was my week. It feels odd because I am usually running around all over the place and last week I worked my three days and did a wedding but I was at home practicing the rest of the time. It was really odd. I'll be honest, I managedto drink. Alot. I even went out on Sunday. I hardly EVER go out and especially never near an audition. It was a little unexpected but super fun. The odd thing is that this week is more of the same. I didn't work yesterday because of Memorial day, didn't work today and I don't work again until Saturday. So...I'm goin' tubing on Friday. Well, weather permitting. Looks like we'll be getting some rain. Hopefull just tomorrow and Thursday.
Ahhh...I'm rambling because I'm all wound up just being done for the day and having had an exciting day.
OK. So, I'm going to have a beer and relax on the porch

death, transfiguration, and pet vomit

Wow. I've been practicing my butt off in preparation for an audition that snuck up on me. Iknew it was coming but then I got sick, then I flew to Rochester then I got back and realised I had 10 days. In those 10 days I also had work and several weddings. I also ended up with a very sick dog on Monday morning. Gracie got real sick in the middle of the night and ended up i\at the Dr.'s office bright and early Monday morning. Fortunately it was easily treated and she finally had enough energy to play today.
We got buckets of rain today! So much that my engine almost stalled out in my car! It didn't, I made it to my wedding and got to see a Jewish girl marry a Catholic boy. Their marriage may not last but at least they are both virgins. And that's what's important. Lasting marriages are over-rated but virginity is what counts in the long run. I hate to say this but I get more and more cynicle about actual wedding ceremonies the more I play. This makes my lesbian friend, Jen, very happy. She feels that as someone who has been able to "dream the dream" since I was little and feels the way I do, gives her hope. She also thinks that I'm one of her few straight friends who could pull off the gay thing from time to time and still be ok. I'm flattered, I think. I do think her girlfriend is phenominally hot. she has cute little dimples and a very sexy voice. For some reason, though, she just doesn't do it for me.
I recently read "A year of living biblically".Great book. A friend recommended it and after hearing the story line, I decided I must read this book. I expected it to be a la David Sedaris but it ended up being incredibly wel-written and informative. My entire family is heavily Christian-save my eldest brother and myself-and there are/were two conservative preachers in the family. My uncle-who died two years ago-raised three girls who bombard my father with e-mails of how to get saved. My brothers are safe because one has a family and a job, no tattoos and never smoked, the other is saved because he holds down and job, goes to church and, though he isn't married at the age of 36, is ok because that's just ok. I, on the other hand, am just going straight to hell because I drink, smoke, have tattoos, am not married and am trying to have a successful career. You can imagine the e-mails and facebook-comments I get. So, the bible has now become ammo for me. Imean, are they realy living Christian lives. The bible would point to NO. I'm pretty sure, based on one cousin's in-home theater (I mean theater. Complete with 12 recliner-style seats with cup holders and a movie screen and everything) that they do NOT tithe 20% of their income. Its not like the house came that way. They had it built. But its ok. They are green. The bricks are recycled. From an old building in Mass. That made their way by train to Texas. So... that was a cleanly built house by emissions. Plus, none of the men have more than one wife. AND they wear clothing of mixed fibers. I mean, really. I appreciated this book because it made me feel a little more holy. I donate. I take food to animal shelters, I give to Planned Parenthood (I gues that just cancells itself out by Christian standards, though) and I live in a place that recycles glass. North Austin does not. My guess is that N. Austin thinks that Holy-rollers don't drink and therefor don't ever need to recycle glass. They just play golf. Anyway. I also had a moment with Joel Osteen a few weeks ago. Don't ask, its embarassing. I hadn't had my coffee yet and what he said made sense.
I need a beer. hold it...
Texas Summer has been slow to come. We are in the 60's tonight and I'm only ok with it because the rain we had today means the river will go back up. That's important because tubing season should have been in full swing weeks ago. But now we'll have to deal with snotty just-graduated seniors. I must ave a stamp on my forhead that says "Cool and easy-going" because I always have a group of kids that saunter up to me saying they are 18 but forgot their id's and can I buy them smokes and beer. Smokes, meh, beer...isn't the drinking age 21? I'm not a bitch about it but I don't do it. I don't have the luck AND I want to keep my TABC certificate.

men have it easier

God. It feels like everyone around me is either getting married or is and is having kids. I honestly could not be more excited for everyone. Except that one of my friends is killing my buzz. Its not really her fault. Its just that the date she picked for her wedding and bachelorette party coincide with functions I would rather attend. Well, I'd rather attend a lombotomy than a bachelorette party but... I decided NOT to take an audition based around her wedding. Fine. Got tickets to the Spring Fling-hard to get-then found out her little female gather ing was the same night. Fuck. The only saving grace was that I got out of the bridal shower but paid my penance and had to go to a baby shower instead. Let me just tell you that being invited to this little pink event was weird and upon my arrival was acosted by a woman yielding a tiny pink clothespin telling me that uttering the word "baby" would ultimately result in said clothespin being removed. Was I supposed to giggle? I didn't know. All I knew was that I spent $25 on an iten called a "deaiper genie" and that along with the baby boppy and teperature water ducks, seem to be luxery items. I could go on but why...I've strayed. My friend. She's soooo easy going. You know the type. Bridezilla on pot. Wanting free expression on her terms? Yeah...Do what you want. Except I was really thinking this, not that.
I'll admit. There is a part of me that is jealous. The part that wants to get married and have kids. In the normal way. Not the Pier 1/Babies'R Us way.
I just found out another one of my friends is preggers. The one I thought would, like, hold out or something.
Bah.
I love my friends and I get excited for them but I just wish I weren't female in the sense that I'm expected to go to these ridiculous things.
I also wish that men could get excited about shit but...well, they just don't Something I don't understand. I could go on...
Simply put, I've decided that most men have it easier in most ways. Lucky little shits. AND they get outs. "I'm a guys, ya know..."
Bastards.
I'm a woman, ya know. My full chromasome doesn't make me excited about your little pink clothespin. Douche. YOU try wearing it. YOU try walking into Babie's R Us.
Its showers that ruin everything. And Pachelbel's Canon.